Monthly Archives: June 2012

Blues, blues, blues

polls_depress_0359_816415_poll_xlargeI never gave myself permission to feel and function at a less than optimal level after my separation.  But there are days that I feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused…and these feelings can be intense.

I never feel as quite productive at work….at times, I sit at my desk and stare.  I guess, no one is a super hero…or in my case…I’m no superwoman.  I need time to heal…regroup myself.

A wise friend once said, grief is a natural reaction to loss and there will never be short-cuts to it. The breakup of my marriage  involved multiple losses on my part…loss of hopes, plans, dreams, companion, our family unit.

Maybe it’s about time for me to allow myself to feel the pain…yet, these losses are scary.  I fear that my emotions will be too intense to bear, that I will be stuck somewhere dark forever. 

Healing takes time, so they say…and grieving is probably essential to the healing process…I don’t know….I hope it is…but for the time being, I just need to be patient with myself.

Been crying on …

Been crying on and off again.  Every time I received an email from Ex it will bring back tears. I honestly, don’t know what I feel….resentment, anger, disappointment or most likely it”s a mix of unwanted emotions.

There are days when I feel, I am getting stronger….moving forward then…BAM!  Another email, another message that will completely make me take two steps back. 

I’m tired and honestly getting sick of this un-synchronized dance of cha-cha.

My only consolation, is that the girls are well adjusted at my parents.  They’re well taken cared of and most especially being loved…most likely getting more love I can probably give them at my present condition.  Grandparents are known ‘spoilers’ and I can see how my mother and father pampered my girls and I am happy.

But then of course, when it comes to the issue of their Dad.  That’s where it would hurt me the most.  Yes, I must admit I took the girls away from him.  – (will reserve that on another entry)…. and that act alone will earn his hatred towards me….yet, I have to make a choice.

As hard as it is…I have to do it….I paid a very expensive price for my freedom.  And attached to that price tag – are consequences both good and bad….

I was hoping for the good one….hoping for the best….wishing for a happy ending for me and girls.

But sometimes even our best laid out plans are not meant to materialize. 

It was the waiting that was truly agonizing….the months of waiting and suddenly out of the blue…something that I have given up hope will actually happen.

What is even painful, is the fact that I was on the verge of taking that step forward….and before you knew it you’ll be pulled back again to where you’ve been.

It’s strange, and I know I should be thankful that the Ex is doing something to win us back….still at the back of my mind is this nagging voice asking “why now?”…. 

Now, when the girls and I are somewhat healed.  Why is it when we have somehow settled in to some normalcy…and this thing again?

I am tired….of this emotional rollercoaster.  But I have to be strong…if not for myself but for my girls the very least…

Tomorrow will be another day….and I’ll just take what it has to offer.

B vs. D

One blog a day, that’s a promise I made to myself.  But like all promises…it’s meant to be broken too!  Human as I am, I tend to get lazy sometimes. 🙂

It’s not helping also when you happen to have single friends around whose main concern at the end of the workday is where to eat, followed by a late night coffee someplace and chit-chat.

I am in no way complaining.  But seriously my landlord should at least give me a discount off my rent since I am hardly home!  I’ll creep in my place at late hours and creep out early morning….

Hmmmm….not really ideal practice for a mother of two!

Guilty?   A bit…but come to think of it, my girls are at my parents’ and I am living entirely alone…coming home early to an empty place is not very welcoming.

Depressing at most….but what else can I do?  Survive that is.

And if surviving means hanging out with a cool friend, food and vino…then, I’m all in! 

This week counting, I’m going to have at least a bit of  ‘rest’ with these crazy after work outings…. being  my partner in crime is out of the country…so I can look forward for some early nights.  Yey!  (nothing against you Bu!) 😉

On the other hand, I have yet to decide which is more therapeutic…blogging or dining? 

Ever since I can remember I have this on-going love affair with food.  I would swoon over news of new restaurants opening around the capital, my heart would skip double beat knowing I’d get a chance to try out new house specialties.  Something which baffles the Ex and we use to fight argue over, since he’s more of a home-cooked food type of guy.  And between my girls…it’s Ashley my youngest who got this trait and taste for adventure in food.

While blogging is so much cheaper I must admit…. it’s something I am all new to….at the same time I’ve always been a “dear-diary” person (LOL) and enjoys it….and most likely what has kept me sane all throughout my marriage. 

So there!  Not really a difficult decision to make….Obviously, since I love doing both….might as well keep at it.  🙂

Picture…not so perfect

My mother announced over Skype that this week is picture taking week at my girls school. I know it feels wrong – but I did breathe a sigh of relief that my girls are actually under my parents care at this time.

Remembering the past years, when the girls are with me. I can only do my best to make them look neat…clean…and somehow it would appear that I have attempted to run a comb through their hair on picture-taking day

For a working mom like me, that would mean keeping the girls’ school schedules on track, schedules must be tacked somewhere very (very) visible, most importantly so, is the picture-taking schedule.

It would be unforgiveable if I ever forget to take some extra effort to check on their uniforms, socks and shoes….or the least try to brush their hair!

I seldom have any “luck” with their school pictures. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed with beautiful girls. But with school pictures…?

That’s totally a different story. I don’t understand why they find it difficult to smile at the photographer – instead it would always be awkward stiff grins…or grimaces as often in the case of my youngest Ashley.

The past school-term pictures turned out quite OK. My eldest, Kate managed to produce a somewhat natural, nervous smile. While Ashley, looked much as she always does in school pictures – constipated!

My own experience with school pictures while growing up was fairly traumatic. In the 80’s it’s quite common for girls my age to “tease-up” our hair until we can have that ridiculous pouf right in the middle of our foreheads!

Nevertheless, if it’s any consolation I wasn’t the only kid in my entire batch sporting that ‘do’. I’ve always wanted to look cute and pretty…but looking back now at my old school pictures….sigh….just makes me cringed!

I wonder how my own mother might have reacted in the past – since I always look T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E in school pictures. Does she actually have her special “not-for-visitors-album” to keep my not so flattering photos? (note to self: check w/ mother on next visit home)

At least, it’s good to know that there are things that DO ran in the family. Like, in my family, bad pictures! But bad pictures or not, I’d still keep it, even that would mean keeping it away from the family albums….and hopefully many years from now, my girls can go over their school pictures together and have a good laugh over a rush of school memories – and of course, cringed!

Kate and Ashley at Aunty Ying’s Vintage wedding in Hua-hin…definitely not school picture 😉

Small Joys

Currently, my daughters are with my parents, that’s 1576.2 miles away from me. And as single-working mom, the biggest challenge is trying to live through the loneliness of going home to an empty place each and every night.

The only consolation I have is work – at least it takes up most of my time away from home. If there’s one thing I am especially thankful now, is to have this fun-crazed friend who’d drag me to places after work for coffee or a quiet dinner. And by the time he drop me off at my place, I’d be too tired…with just enough energy to prepare myself to bed.

But my Saturdays are special…it’s my “time” with the girls. We usually devote either the morning or afternoon (depending on my work) to talk over the net.

And over time, it’s less teary…less painful to see them on the screen but unable to touch or hug them. It seem to me that we’ve adjusted with our complex set-up and getting more in groove.

It’s always a boost to see their excited and happy faces every time we have our ‘talks’.  And that will be followed by onslaught of questions…that I hardly have time to keep up with the answers.

My Katie at seven, would fuss and worry over me….asking if mommy’s eating well… if I’ve lost weight… how was my work week…expressing her excitement over mommy’s travel plans this year…and always (always) assuring me that she and her baby sister Ashley is doing great at Grandma’s and at school.

It is both cute and heartwarming to see her like this….yet, at the same time difficult to comprehend how she can have this understanding way beyond her years…While my youngest Ashley, would be a bit more chatty about her school activities and what she has accomplished that week…just focused on herself…a typical 5 year old.  🙂

In all, the guilt that I used to feel of leaving them under my parents care is slowly replaced with a secured assurance that – at the moment, my girls are in the best place. Where they are loved and well taken care of.

While I am in the process of healing…and with the crazy schedule I ran at work. Being with me may not have been very conducive for their growth and I don’t think I will be able to efficiently care for their needs physically and emotionally if they’re with me.

I am thankful, that I was blessed with this wonderful set of supportive parents, and a younger brother who takes on the role of that father figure to my girls.

Looking back, without their support I might have actually gone bonkers! Imagine, having to deal with the break-up of my marriage, to handle the care of my girls, maintain a career…it would’ve been chaotic!

Reflecting over, my girls….especially my eldest Katie seem to understand about what happened between me and her dad….more understanding than I gave her credit for. I just pray that when the time comes for her to start asking questions I will be ready – ready to give her honest answers…answers that might hurt her…but it will make her strong and will bind us even more as mother and daughter.

But for now, I just pray that she’ll just be a kid again…enjoy life as she suppose to…and not to worry about us…and hopefully even with the distance she’d feel that mommy loves them both…and never fail to think about them every single day….

And despite this huge turn in our lives…the girls and I will make it.

Slow…but definitely moving towards it.  😉

My Hero…My Father…

In celebration of the father’s day… I thought it would be fitting to recognize the other half of me…my father. 

Our dear father  retired early and from then on he was “Mr. Mom” for us…long before anyone had a name for it.

He’s done so many things for us during our growing up years. While our mother, took on the role of providing financial support for the family; our father on the other hand made sure that everything is in order at home.  He’d always have the dinner ready for us when we arrive home from school.  And our humble abode is always spick n’ span.  He cooks, cleans and tinkers around the house without a murmur of protest of how “unmanly” it is to do housework.  Although, he is not very “showy” of how much he loved us.

But his love is always felt, seen and heard (loud and oh so clear-lol!).  My younger brother can attest that family dinners are considered as his “stage” for his (nightly) monologues.  It was during my high-school years when he was stricken with sickness. But despite of his frail health; not a single bit of his spunk diminished. 

He’s still our – strong and authoritative father. He continued on with his tough role as the caretaker of the family. Despite having to withstand his ailing body, he maintained that positive outlook in life and that willingness to accept whatever lot God has given him.

But as I got a little older, I have this “childish” desire to gain my independence, I wanted to move away, and I eagerly left for college. But it was his loving reminders that kept me from messing up. He has always been a pillar, a support, a help-mate for mother.  We surpassed family trials and tribulations because we have the most resilient set of parents.

He was my silent supporter when my marriage went down the drain.  I can still remember those tears streaming down his eyes…when I faced him and mother for the first time…to open up about what I have been through in that 7 years of marriage. 

And it breaks my heart each and everytime I remember that scene, I try to imagine the pain he might have to go through seeing his only girl hurt and broken. 

And the fact that he never asked questions…no blaming…nothing…just his silent acceptance of my fate….and his offer to take care of my girls, for as long as I promise him not to break my heart ever again….was something I will never ever forget for as long as I live. 

While, he may not qualify as a hero to some…yet this man has done me heroic things. He has done more for me in his lifetime than he ever has done for himself. And he should be commended and recognized for his terrific duties as a husband,a father, and a loving son.

This most unselfish man I have ever known….and that family is what he stands for.

Happy Father’s Day, Tatay!  

I love you so so much!  We… the girls and I, love you very much!

…and thank you….for being our HERO!

Big Hairy Deal!!!

Over the years I’ve worn my hair in bob-cut to past shoulder length – mostly it’s swinging between those two styles.  I’m as vain as the next person…but when it comes to my hair…I’m kind of predictable and extra careful.  Believe it or not, I actually used to keep a wig handy when I was still living with the Ex…you know, just in case 😉 !

So, going back – with my hair I am not very adventurous. I will, and ALWAYS go to a stylist I trust.  I may go to different salons for a regular wash.  But I will always go to “Chon” my Thai stylist for styling and cut.

For a week, I’ve been putting off my plans to go for my regular trim.  Thinking I might as well grow my hair longer and have some cute curls at the ends just like some cute Korean soap opera stars – LOL!

The problem is, I have this nagging small voice behind my head telling me “You won’t pull it off, girl!  Stop dreaming!”  And to re-affirm that…this morning, I woke up with a nasty head of flyaway-gummy looking-dull hair!  So, all hopes and dreams of being a hot Korean soap opera star look-alike flew out of the window…out and I shut it with a bang!  Hah!

On the train going to work, I was thinking how I can squeeze a time to scurry over at Chon’s for my hair.  Then a friend of mine rang me to ask for my evening plans.  I told him, I’m going for a hair-cut.  And harshly tell him off to go bother other people – other than me…cause this mommy is on a mission!

And you wouldn’t believe how excited he is, to introduce me to this new salon with a Japanese stylist.  Yes, I’m crossing cultures here!  Unbelievable, with just a teeny issue – my hair!

I said NO!  You see, I need to be firm on this.  I said to him to leave me alone, I’m happy with “my” Chon.  But the truth is, I’m scared it might turn out to be a hair-disaster.  And my wig is at the Ex’s!!!!

After a lengthy discussion…I gave in.  And was set to meet him after work and go straight to this salon.  It was probably the longest day of my life!

Nah…I’m exaggerating.  But you do get the idea right?

Anyway, at exactly 5.30 I stood outside my office waiting for him to pick me up and drive me to this salon that he weirdly feels so excited about!  Hmmm….just weird!

On arrival, we were greeted with an enthusiastic “Youkoso irasshai mashita”!  Seriously, I have to curb the urge to bolt for the door!

I was whisked to a chair…where two Japanese stylists (cute guys too!) lift strands of my hair, clacking their tongues, turning my head this way and that, peering at me in the mirror with disapproving eyes…

And there’s me…who is soooooo so –  ready to scream bloody murder!

After few more agonizing minutes….these gorgeous guys decided there’s HOPE.

While I was escorted to the shampoo area, I threw dagger looks at my friend and hissed him out of the salon, before I end up killing him.

If there’s one thing I want to do at that time is to suffer my humiliation alone!  I don’t need him to see me with wet hair plastered against my scalp…or with that hideous black gown, while stylist snip around my head!

And honestly, I don’t even understand why we are friends.  Because just before he left he whispered “Hey, just in case it’ll turn out bad – it will grow!”

Waaaaaa!  And he was the one who drag me into this!!!  What an evil, evil friend!

Sigh!

It wasn’t actually as bad as I’ve imagined….my hair was shampooed, given a dose of treatment from bottles with labels, I can’t read…and the scalp massage was heavenly!  Actually very, very relaxing….and nice 🙂

I must say, after all the hullabaloos….I’m quite happy with what those guys have done to my hair.

I guess the Ex can keep that wig after all!  Haha!

And me? I went out of the salon feeling like a hundred bucks…and just about that much poorer too!  But hey, if you’re a single parent sometimes you need to treat yourself – so, there!

“You look innocent!” the first thing my friend blurted when he saw me entered the café shop where he’s been waiting for me.

Hmmm…hardly the response I expect…or the fact that I don’t really ‘feel’ innocent – if at all!

But I’ll take it!  Whatever he means about innocent!   Thank you oh, so very much!

And yes, he’s forgiven! 😉

…and just for the heck of it – check my not so innocent haircut with side fringe! Hah!