Beyond death…

Family and friends would sometime say, that I should simply move on and put the past behind.  You know, sort of getting on with life and not taking time to think, that I have lost someone, I have spent a good deal of my life with.  I understand, they mean well that they hate to see me suffer the pain and grief.  Yet, pain is real and so is grief.

Often people talk about what you feel and experience when you lost someone through death is commonly addressed as healthy and natural.  Why would it be any different with losing someone through separation?  For someone like me going through the death of my marriage is just as the same grief and emotional responses as if my husband physically passed on.  My reasons are pretty simple, physically and emotionally I have to break all ties from him.

Obviously, things went wrong somewhere along the way, but despite of all the bitterness and negative emotions I have about the relationship; there will also be memories.  I just need time to put those memories in perspective, as what they are suppose to be – just memories.

While people around think it is an easy task to accomplish.  They have no idea how complex it is.  It could probably be one of the most difficult task one has to go through in a lifetime.  Imagine, finding a way to, not only lay those memories to rest, but with my daughters involved and get past the resentment, and the hurt…and continue to parent my girls with him – who will eventually continue to be a part of my girls’ lives, but not part of mine is extremely difficult.  Difficult, but not an impossible task to do.

At this point in time, I’m taking my first baby steps in this almost insurmountable task.  I’m giving myself time and space to go through the inevitable sadness and grief.  Although he did not die physically, but there’s a relationship that experienced a sudden death.

Slowly, I’m beginning to push myself to do more.  Pursuing new activities, hobbies and interests.  I’ve started to go out and begin to explore, enjoying life as a single person.  I’ve met a good number of people with similar interests to mine.  While, I’m in no way saying I’d jump into a relationship with the first person that expresses an interest – I’d like to explore my feelings with different type of people whom I’d enjoy being with…and who know I might be surprised at what I discover about myself along the way.

I can only conclude, that the only way for me to truly get beyond my past is to grieve and come face to face with the lost dreams, hopes and expectations of the future. 

So, I’ll take my time to grieve my loss, then pick up the pieces and live my life, because I’m still hopeful there truly is a life after death…

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