Been crying on …

Been crying on and off again.  Every time I received an email from Ex it will bring back tears. I honestly, don’t know what I feel….resentment, anger, disappointment or most likely it”s a mix of unwanted emotions.

There are days when I feel, I am getting stronger….moving forward then…BAM!  Another email, another message that will completely make me take two steps back. 

I’m tired and honestly getting sick of this un-synchronized dance of cha-cha.

My only consolation, is that the girls are well adjusted at my parents.  They’re well taken cared of and most especially being loved…most likely getting more love I can probably give them at my present condition.  Grandparents are known ‘spoilers’ and I can see how my mother and father pampered my girls and I am happy.

But then of course, when it comes to the issue of their Dad.  That’s where it would hurt me the most.  Yes, I must admit I took the girls away from him.  – (will reserve that on another entry)…. and that act alone will earn his hatred towards me….yet, I have to make a choice.

As hard as it is…I have to do it….I paid a very expensive price for my freedom.  And attached to that price tag – are consequences both good and bad….

I was hoping for the good one….hoping for the best….wishing for a happy ending for me and girls.

But sometimes even our best laid out plans are not meant to materialize. 

It was the waiting that was truly agonizing….the months of waiting and suddenly out of the blue…something that I have given up hope will actually happen.

What is even painful, is the fact that I was on the verge of taking that step forward….and before you knew it you’ll be pulled back again to where you’ve been.

It’s strange, and I know I should be thankful that the Ex is doing something to win us back….still at the back of my mind is this nagging voice asking “why now?”…. 

Now, when the girls and I are somewhat healed.  Why is it when we have somehow settled in to some normalcy…and this thing again?

I am tired….of this emotional rollercoaster.  But I have to be strong…if not for myself but for my girls the very least…

Tomorrow will be another day….and I’ll just take what it has to offer.

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