Monthly Archives: July 2012

Super-woman? (minus the cape)

I’ve always been working…pretty much my whole life! When I had my first baby I was able to take 5 weeks off. With my second, 7 weeks off. Balancing work and family is such a large part of my life for many years. Somehow, over the years I managed to find ways to “balance” things – but there are times when things feel so heartbreaking!

Come to think of it, with the sudden turn of my situation….I feel like a cross between a superhero (LOL!) and a maid.

During the course of the week, people might compliment me on my creativity and resourcefulness (come on…at least give that to the working mom!) Or someone at work may actually flirt, or even that weird…sometimes dapper looking (lucky days!) guy on the Skytrain would attempt to score. At work, I may feel inspired, motivated and simply plain awesome! I strut on my pumps and suit with purposeful strides and confidence….giving the look that I have everything under control.

Than I go home….

I don’t know with other moms…they at least come home to a house with the kiddos running around. But the challenge – more like a struggle, to moms like me….(with the girls living at my parents)….is the nightly battle with loneliness.

So yeah, I have to take off that superhero mask (part BB cream, two parts SPF tinted moisturizer, mascara, blush, lipstick and on some good days I managed to apply some eye-shadow). Then, drag myself to shower…and if I still have enough energy left I might even manage to grab some dinner and surf the net a bit before crawling to bed – and do my (almost) nightly ritual of talking to my girls’ pictures to oblivion.

It’s not all that bad, working means financial stability for my girls…and that would also mean housework is going to pile during the week. And with the girls living at my parents, I don’t have to worry of the pile-up. At least, I have this peace of mind that we will not be one day found suffocated to death under a gigantic pile of laundry! The girls are safe at my mom’s….at least! (Hmmm….on an afterthought….just in case I stopped blogging for a week….please check on me? I just might have suffocated under that pile of laundry, or was attacked by humongous dust mites!)

All I can say, in spite of all the craziness of my life…..I’m (still) a mother through and through….I simply don’t give a hoot what other people are saying…that no matter what I will always worry about my girls and wish I could be there every step of the way.

And that Balance (whatever that is!) is NEVER going to happen – well to a mom like me at least. I guess, it’s silly to think someone is less of a mother because she has to work and live far from her kids.

So yeah, single working moms are like a cross between Cinderella (minus prince charming and the whole need to be rescued thingy) and Super-Woman

…and the next morning, the Super-cycle repeats….

Yep, call me Super-Rella? Shhhhhh….a girl gotta dream sometimes! So, give it!

Transition #2 of 11

It’s comforting to know that depression is not a sign of personal weakness, something that my colleagues at the hospital assured me over and over. 

They said that my transition to a new situation can raise feelings of fear and anxiety.  That somehow, I’m afraid of how to cope with the future, how to look after my children…and the sense that I have lost control over my own life raises those feelings.  And they’re right….spot on!

I have always set high expectations for me and how my family life should be.  I’ve always aimed for that unrealistic perfection of what a family unit should be.  I’m probably reaping all the consequences of that perfectionism …

I don’t know if that’s it…or I simply married a jerk (sorry)….or I was too blinded on the idea of love.  I just don’t know.  I hate seeing myself like this.  So much anger and bitterness inside, I want it to stop and I just want to be me again. 

It’s been months and I still feel sad and depressed from time to time….it’s just plain crazy!  I’m sick of this emotional rollercoaster.  I just wish there are ways I can sleep it out….sleep through the rough patches….and wake up again when everything passed.   

But yeah, there will never be shortcuts to this.  I have no choice, but rather brave through the storm.  And no matter how insane I feel on some days….that doesn’t mean there’s nothing I can do about it.

I have to remind myself not to rush on things and give myself time to come to terms with what has happened.  And try to take some control of my life back….I used to be really good in writing down my plans…I just need to get back on that and plan how to deal with things I am scared of.

After all, they said “life is an opportunity”.  At this point in time, I don’t know what and how this experience will mold me…or the kind of person I will be at the end….but I am hoping I’d be someone better….way better than the old “eula”.

Transition #1 of 11

There are days when even a simple action, like getting up is a struggle.  Days, when I’d rather stay in my room and do nothing but stare in the ceiling – I feel utterly useless without my family.

My husband and I recently separated after seven years…though it was not all the time perfect, but I believe our union was beautiful and somewhat healthy.  The joy of that relationship gave us two wonderful girls. 

Emotionally overwhelmed and self-induced emotional punishment…I try my very best to control the tide of negative emotions and hide it behind work and wild partying night outs.

What makes it even difficult is that I am fully aware that family separation is linked to many different feelings.  Anger, sadness, grief, loss and many more….and the more I am aware of all these….the more I wish to skip all the transition.  But like, what a close friend who went through a similar situation – keep on repeating to me…. “There’s no short cut to it.” 

I guess, that would mean whether I like it or not….I have to deal with the transition….and find ways to cope no matter how difficult it is with all the different feelings.

Feeling angry is normal…so they said, and that anger need to be released in some ways.  I have always been the type who is slow to anger….but as the months pass I can feel my anger slowly rising.  I am angry with my Ex, with myself, with the Lord and with life – and the fact that I am experiencing all these.  I tried as I can to deal with my anger constructively….like some nights punching and throwing pillows around my room…acting all out crazy….and exercise myself to exhaustion.  I don’t know if all these “non-harmful” way of releasing the energy of anger will actually help.  But I’m guessing it’s a better option than hurting myself and letting my girls down.

Strange as it may sound but whenever I’m in that dark place…I’d use my girls as a motive not to self-destruct.  There’s no way I can allow my girls live with the thought that I failed them….I may failed in my relationship with their father, but I will never fail them as their mother.  I am committed to their love and I have to find ways to survive all these.

empty shell

Months of hidden grief has taken its toll on me.  My mind feels swollen and I have days when I feel empty.  I don’t think people closest to me are even aware that I am near breaking point.  I don’t know when I can continue on keeping this facade of being emotionally strong.

I’m barely surviving, desperately holding on to the last threads of my sanity.  I can’t hardly go around the city without seeing remembrances of my girls and the family we use to have.  Maybe I should seriously contemplate of leaving this place…some place new….somewhere to start afresh.

Where I’ll be whole again….

Uncertain

None of us can live without the vision of our future.  If we don’t have one…we will wander aimlessly – I guess without it, life would seem pointless and we might as well die little every day.

Until now, I found myself floundering around….akin to a zombie if you’d allow me to say.  Not knowing what’s going to happen next.  The life that I so carefully build and design has somehow taken a huge smashing….broken to tiny pieces that putting them up together again is next to impossible.

I have lost that vision of the future.  I have lost that general sense of direction where I’m suppose to be moving on…and the hope that something good is on the horizon.

I know not every one of us has that certainty, anyway.  But knowing that you do have a future and a purpose – will make things brighter.

Losing sight of my dreams, I forgot the truth about myself.  I can almost feel life draining from me…I’m overtired, burned out, beaten down and distanced from God.  I am not the same person that I am before, I’m confused about who I am and why I am here – a vision for the future is lost.

 I certainly wish that in time, God can restore that vision where it has been lost.  To be given that hope to dream again…and to find truth beneath the lies of discouragement.

Why not?

A good friend of mine has been urging me to write a blog about “whys”. As you can guess, I replied to him “Why?” LOL!

Anyway before I get silly – he said, it would be therapeutic for me to ask and be really mad about “why this has to happen to me?”

For the longest time, I’ve been pondering on that. And haven’t had the urgency to actually sit down and gather my thoughts on it.

I guess, after my separation – I got myself busy with the girls, my work and trying to grasp on re-inventing myself, and find semblance of order back into our lives.

So the “whys” if at most was the farthest thing in my mind. Reflecting on it, I come to realize I’m not bitter (well, not entirely!) about what happened. In fact I can even rationalize that there are things we don’t want to happen – but have to accept. Or maybe things we don’t want to know but have to learn…or people whom in the past we thought we can’t live without….but we have to let go.

I don’t know….if that actually makes sense to you….but to me it does.

Yes, it still gets me from time to time….but over time, life after separation does eventually gets better….when I find that happiness within me….

So, yes……. why not?

– Start living….rather than sulking on things I can’t undo….

– Stop beating myself with questions…I can’t answer

– Appreciate and begin to love the person I have become…out from a bitter experience

– (lastly, as what my friend would say) Jump, run, and dance in the rain…life after all, is way too beautiful to waste brooding and asking that insipid question

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