There are days when even a simple action, like getting up is a struggle.  Days, when I’d rather stay in my room and do nothing but stare in the ceiling – I feel utterly useless without my family.

My husband and I recently separated after seven years…though it was not all the time perfect, but I believe our union was beautiful and somewhat healthy.  The joy of that relationship gave us two wonderful girls. 

Emotionally overwhelmed and self-induced emotional punishment…I try my very best to control the tide of negative emotions and hide it behind work and wild partying night outs.

What makes it even difficult is that I am fully aware that family separation is linked to many different feelings.  Anger, sadness, grief, loss and many more….and the more I am aware of all these….the more I wish to skip all the transition.  But like, what a close friend who went through a similar situation – keep on repeating to me…. “There’s no short cut to it.” 

I guess, that would mean whether I like it or not….I have to deal with the transition….and find ways to cope no matter how difficult it is with all the different feelings.

Feeling angry is normal…so they said, and that anger need to be released in some ways.  I have always been the type who is slow to anger….but as the months pass I can feel my anger slowly rising.  I am angry with my Ex, with myself, with the Lord and with life – and the fact that I am experiencing all these.  I tried as I can to deal with my anger constructively….like some nights punching and throwing pillows around my room…acting all out crazy….and exercise myself to exhaustion.  I don’t know if all these “non-harmful” way of releasing the energy of anger will actually help.  But I’m guessing it’s a better option than hurting myself and letting my girls down.

Strange as it may sound but whenever I’m in that dark place…I’d use my girls as a motive not to self-destruct.  There’s no way I can allow my girls live with the thought that I failed them….I may failed in my relationship with their father, but I will never fail them as their mother.  I am committed to their love and I have to find ways to survive all these.

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