It’s comforting to know that depression is not a sign of personal weakness, something that my colleagues at the hospital assured me over and over. 

They said that my transition to a new situation can raise feelings of fear and anxiety.  That somehow, I’m afraid of how to cope with the future, how to look after my children…and the sense that I have lost control over my own life raises those feelings.  And they’re right….spot on!

I have always set high expectations for me and how my family life should be.  I’ve always aimed for that unrealistic perfection of what a family unit should be.  I’m probably reaping all the consequences of that perfectionism …

I don’t know if that’s it…or I simply married a jerk (sorry)….or I was too blinded on the idea of love.  I just don’t know.  I hate seeing myself like this.  So much anger and bitterness inside, I want it to stop and I just want to be me again. 

It’s been months and I still feel sad and depressed from time to time….it’s just plain crazy!  I’m sick of this emotional rollercoaster.  I just wish there are ways I can sleep it out….sleep through the rough patches….and wake up again when everything passed.   

But yeah, there will never be shortcuts to this.  I have no choice, but rather brave through the storm.  And no matter how insane I feel on some days….that doesn’t mean there’s nothing I can do about it.

I have to remind myself not to rush on things and give myself time to come to terms with what has happened.  And try to take some control of my life back….I used to be really good in writing down my plans…I just need to get back on that and plan how to deal with things I am scared of.

After all, they said “life is an opportunity”.  At this point in time, I don’t know what and how this experience will mold me…or the kind of person I will be at the end….but I am hoping I’d be someone better….way better than the old “eula”.

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