Category Archives: UNawesome Stuff

Phuket made me lazy

cozumel-657955_1920Twenty-four.

The number of entries sitting in my drafts.  What is wrong with me?  I used to be very consistent at keeping my posts regular.  But for the past few months, I have been lagging behind.

I’m trying to wrap my mind around, what could be the reason why I’m making laziness my new best friend?

It’s not that the motivation is not there, I love blogging – it keeps me sane. I like the liberating feel of writing, especially when thoughts somehow magically turns into words and my fingers just fly across the keyboard.

I love to write. Period.  I don’t even care if someone actually bothers to read my blogs.  I write for me.  Because, it makes me happy. It’s my therapy.

But why is it that I’d rather want to curl in bed at the end of a work-day?

I think one of the main reason why I haven’t been writing much lately, is because I’ve moved to Phuket.  I’ve been working and living here for over a year now, yet somehow I’ve never felt at home in the island.  While Phuket is indeed beautiful – but to me it felt that it also stole my creative streak.

In comparison, while living in Bangkok metro, I pursue other interests.  I paint, write, and always on with DIY projects one after another.

Phuket made me lazy.

I’m not sure if my newly acquired “laziness” has something to do with how laid back the life in the island is.  But since moving here I have not made any effort at all to wake up an hour early before my alarm and indulge in some quiet time to just think and pray.

I don’t  have the answers yet…why I’m becoming something that I’m not…

I just pray that this is just a passing thing…that soon, I will be able to regain back what this place stole from me.

 

 

 

 

Brain Rut

trainyourbrainHi friends! It’s been a while since my last post, and I’d like to apologize for that. This mommy has been out in the woods the past few months.

But I promise to at least try to blog once a week. I’ve been experiencing brain rut the past months. Work and personal life is just plain havoc and it’s not at all pleasant!!! Writing has always been my outlet of sorts but if I have to be bluntly honest – when depression came a knocking it has a nasty habit of kicking me right down to my face. Ugh!

For me to pick up the “pen” and start writing again is always a good sign. That would signal I’m heading off – out of my “woods”.

While my sun is not totally up yet, but I hold on to that hope that everything is going to be OK. Soon.

It can’t be perfect, again

Broken-Friendship-QuotesWhen I realized that the person I thought I knew best – is someone I don’t know at all. It totally threw me off balance, and made me feel like I don’t know myself or anyone else at all. From that time till now, I’m constantly wondering, “What am I missing? Who else is lying to me? What everyone else is hiding?” It feels as if I couldn’t even trust my own judgment.

If anyone is to ask me, my “definition of trust” I’d probably say “I just hope that someone is who they are portraying themselves to be.”

As humans, we are weak, and I have learned that even those closest to me, tend to hide things – and I’m essentially taking a risk when I decide to link my life with people. I’m not saying that everybody is (and will be) lying to me all the time, but to trust wholly is something I’m still working through.

I’m still hopeful that in time, trust will return – for as long as the people involved are willing to work for it. After all, we make mistakes from time to time. Wouldn’t it be simplier if we admit and come clean out of it?

Trust is essential, a necessary ingredient to any relationship – that is, if one is truly after a fruitful relationship. Unfortunately in this broken, sick world we live in, trust is compromised – all the time! Spouses betray each other, siblings lie, and friends disappoint us.

Being betrayed is one of the worst thing that could happen to anyone. Strong healthy relationships are truly based in open honesty between people. It’s true what they say “The Truth Shall Set You Free”. Honesty is always the best path to take in any relationship, no matter how much the truth hurts.

Transition #2 of 11

It’s comforting to know that depression is not a sign of personal weakness, something that my colleagues at the hospital assured me over and over. 

They said that my transition to a new situation can raise feelings of fear and anxiety.  That somehow, I’m afraid of how to cope with the future, how to look after my children…and the sense that I have lost control over my own life raises those feelings.  And they’re right….spot on!

I have always set high expectations for me and how my family life should be.  I’ve always aimed for that unrealistic perfection of what a family unit should be.  I’m probably reaping all the consequences of that perfectionism …

I don’t know if that’s it…or I simply married a jerk (sorry)….or I was too blinded on the idea of love.  I just don’t know.  I hate seeing myself like this.  So much anger and bitterness inside, I want it to stop and I just want to be me again. 

It’s been months and I still feel sad and depressed from time to time….it’s just plain crazy!  I’m sick of this emotional rollercoaster.  I just wish there are ways I can sleep it out….sleep through the rough patches….and wake up again when everything passed.   

But yeah, there will never be shortcuts to this.  I have no choice, but rather brave through the storm.  And no matter how insane I feel on some days….that doesn’t mean there’s nothing I can do about it.

I have to remind myself not to rush on things and give myself time to come to terms with what has happened.  And try to take some control of my life back….I used to be really good in writing down my plans…I just need to get back on that and plan how to deal with things I am scared of.

After all, they said “life is an opportunity”.  At this point in time, I don’t know what and how this experience will mold me…or the kind of person I will be at the end….but I am hoping I’d be someone better….way better than the old “eula”.

Transition #1 of 11

There are days when even a simple action, like getting up is a struggle.  Days, when I’d rather stay in my room and do nothing but stare in the ceiling – I feel utterly useless without my family.

My husband and I recently separated after seven years…though it was not all the time perfect, but I believe our union was beautiful and somewhat healthy.  The joy of that relationship gave us two wonderful girls. 

Emotionally overwhelmed and self-induced emotional punishment…I try my very best to control the tide of negative emotions and hide it behind work and wild partying night outs.

What makes it even difficult is that I am fully aware that family separation is linked to many different feelings.  Anger, sadness, grief, loss and many more….and the more I am aware of all these….the more I wish to skip all the transition.  But like, what a close friend who went through a similar situation – keep on repeating to me…. “There’s no short cut to it.” 

I guess, that would mean whether I like it or not….I have to deal with the transition….and find ways to cope no matter how difficult it is with all the different feelings.

Feeling angry is normal…so they said, and that anger need to be released in some ways.  I have always been the type who is slow to anger….but as the months pass I can feel my anger slowly rising.  I am angry with my Ex, with myself, with the Lord and with life – and the fact that I am experiencing all these.  I tried as I can to deal with my anger constructively….like some nights punching and throwing pillows around my room…acting all out crazy….and exercise myself to exhaustion.  I don’t know if all these “non-harmful” way of releasing the energy of anger will actually help.  But I’m guessing it’s a better option than hurting myself and letting my girls down.

Strange as it may sound but whenever I’m in that dark place…I’d use my girls as a motive not to self-destruct.  There’s no way I can allow my girls live with the thought that I failed them….I may failed in my relationship with their father, but I will never fail them as their mother.  I am committed to their love and I have to find ways to survive all these.

Uncertain

None of us can live without the vision of our future.  If we don’t have one…we will wander aimlessly – I guess without it, life would seem pointless and we might as well die little every day.

Until now, I found myself floundering around….akin to a zombie if you’d allow me to say.  Not knowing what’s going to happen next.  The life that I so carefully build and design has somehow taken a huge smashing….broken to tiny pieces that putting them up together again is next to impossible.

I have lost that vision of the future.  I have lost that general sense of direction where I’m suppose to be moving on…and the hope that something good is on the horizon.

I know not every one of us has that certainty, anyway.  But knowing that you do have a future and a purpose – will make things brighter.

Losing sight of my dreams, I forgot the truth about myself.  I can almost feel life draining from me…I’m overtired, burned out, beaten down and distanced from God.  I am not the same person that I am before, I’m confused about who I am and why I am here – a vision for the future is lost.

 I certainly wish that in time, God can restore that vision where it has been lost.  To be given that hope to dream again…and to find truth beneath the lies of discouragement.

Blues, blues, blues

polls_depress_0359_816415_poll_xlargeI never gave myself permission to feel and function at a less than optimal level after my separation.  But there are days that I feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused…and these feelings can be intense.

I never feel as quite productive at work….at times, I sit at my desk and stare.  I guess, no one is a super hero…or in my case…I’m no superwoman.  I need time to heal…regroup myself.

A wise friend once said, grief is a natural reaction to loss and there will never be short-cuts to it. The breakup of my marriage  involved multiple losses on my part…loss of hopes, plans, dreams, companion, our family unit.

Maybe it’s about time for me to allow myself to feel the pain…yet, these losses are scary.  I fear that my emotions will be too intense to bear, that I will be stuck somewhere dark forever. 

Healing takes time, so they say…and grieving is probably essential to the healing process…I don’t know….I hope it is…but for the time being, I just need to be patient with myself.